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Get a computer that doesn't suck, download the stuff there and then transfer to your broken machine?
NOTE: that assumes you download the files here in stead of from java.com:
Seems to me that some readers (like me) don't know what distinguishes a "computer that doesn't suck" from the one we (I) have now. I believe a company-run site should be more helpful and less disrespectful in helping people who depend on its products.
The default download on java.com is the 'online' installer, where the initial download is a very small binary, that when run downloads the required installation files. I suspect that some AV software, proxy, firewall, router or something, between the installer binary and the download servers is impeding/blocking the download of the files.
The general workaround for this is to download the offline installer, which contains all the necessary files to complete the install. The end result of installing the online and offline is the same, only the install mechanism differs.
Offline install location on java.com:
Windows Offline filesize: 30 MB