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Well, LCM comes to mind as it does all of the above.
Star Analytics Server may do much of what you want (it certainly does Essbase data exports, I don't know about the rest).
You could write SQL extracts for much of the dimensionality -- I have blogged almost all of these. The OutlineLoad.cmd tool in 126.96.36.199.300 form will export just about everything (not so sure about cell text, SD, etc.), and now it will do that to SQL. John Goodwin wrote about this a few months ago on his blog.
If you are looking for a fast export of targetted BSO data, take a look at MDX. I recently wrote about an undocumented (for now) MDX keyword -- NONEMPTYBLOCKS -- that makes level zero suppress #Missing data extracts really, really, really fast:
P.S. I should note that MDX only writes to text files and it's kind of ugly when it does it. The speed of that command may override any sense of offended aesthetics.
Edited by: CL on Jan 22, 2013 10:54 AM